Conan the Compactor

What drives Conan, that most manly of men amongst men? What philosophy shapes his most primitive urges into action?

I put it to you that his is not a quest for mindless destruction.

But what is this business, you ask, with the crushing of enemies and lamination of their women, no less?

Nay, he thirsts not for blood, but for space.

He is in fact a champion of compactness. A preserver of beauty.

Hold fast this insight should you cross his path.

And give the man some room lest he start to feel cramped.