Thursday, February 23, 2012

Making heroes super since childhood

The topic of Superheros came up at work. And namely, if a light-sabre can cut through anything except other light-sabres, and Superman can only be weakened by kryptonite, what would happen if we hit Superman with a light-sabre?

Superman never really did it for me, because as a hero he has it easy; he can punch all his problems into the sun.

Look out! That man has a gun!

Boof! Into the sun!

Here comes Lex Luther!

Boof! Into the sun!

How come we never go out anymore? You go out, you save the world, you come home and you sit your arse on that couch! Why don’t you take me flying anymore? You never take me anywhere! Why did I leave Clark Kent for you Superman?

Boof! Lois into the sun! And that’s why Superman is a bullshit superhero. Not because he hits women, but because he is boring. (The “hitting women” thing is not cool either. And maybe made up by me for educational purposes. I do have it on good authority that he gets a little punchy when he’s drinking whiskey though)

I did not want to be a superhero growing up. I loved what they stood for, but did not want to be one for two reasons

1.      I'm allergic to taking punches to the face (I break out in swelling), and
2.      My favourite superhero was The Phantom, and even as a child I knew the social consequences of looking for fights in purple tights. See reason 1.

For those who had normal childhoods, The Phantom is “the Ghosts who walks”. He is not really one man but 21 of them over the course of history. It has been a family business for 400 years, and father passes on the responsibility to their son so that the rest of the world thinks of him as immortal. He has no super powers, but he can shoot the guns out of your hands and deliver whopping punches to the face. He is a man who trained hard to be who he was, and he fought for good. The Phantom is a fine moral compass to any young man finding his place in the world.

When the time comes for the new Phantom he would swear an oath on the skull of his forefathers and the symbol of his mission, “I swear to devote my life to the destruction of piracy, greed, cruelty, and injustice in all their forms, and my sons and their sons shall follow me”. This pledge happened more than 400 years ago when piracy was piracy and his mortal enemy was the pirates the Singh Brotherhood. Not some knob from New Zealand who changed his surname to DotCom.

Is that the face of piracy today? People who host peer to peer sites? Piracy is certainly getting rounder in the face and more acne. There are the attacks on ships along the coast of Somalia I guess, but they are not rocking the skull and crossbones either. At least they get the point, but I digress...

What would happen if you hit Superman with a light-sabre?

Nerd forums explode. That’s your answer.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Inappropriate songs to play under footage of the Costa Concordia

In light of the events that unfolded before the eyes of the world of the Costa Concordia disaster, the following songs have been deemed inappropriate by the team at The Chess Hammer for use under news footage
  1. The theme from Titanic (My heart will go on)
  2. 6 months in a leaky boat – Split Endz
  3. ├ćnema – Tool
  4. Octopuses Garden – Beatles
  5. Down Down – Status Quo
  6. Rock the boat – Aaliyah
  7. Rock Lobster – B52s
  8. Get on Top - RHCP
  9. Sail Away – Enya
  10. Don’t Fear the Reaper – Blue Oyster Cult
  11. Run Like Hell – Pink Floyd
  12. Come Sail Away – Styx
  13. Safety Dance – Men Without Hats
  14. On The Beach – Neil Young
  15. Anything by  Franz Liszt
  16. Under the Sea – The little Mermaid
  17. When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Get Going - Billy Ocean (or at least when talking about the Captain's behaviour)

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

More Rejected Tea Bar Flavours


  • HomeopaTEA: There was tea in the cup once. I'm pretty sure now you're just drinking hot water.
  • MisTEAA strong scented tea with hints of flowers and berries. Made from 100% English fog.
  • ProperTEAA stiff country English black tea with a strong, hard flavour foundation. Strata rates not included in price.
  • GolfTEAA long white tea with a yeasty linger or a shorter red tea if you are a women. Tastes like a wasted afternoon with one part bug repellent, and one part tweed.
  • MinTEA: Whats this gooey white crap in the bottom of my cup?
  • InfirmiTEA: A green tea, laced with laxitives and tranquilisers. Deeply relaxing.
  • NasTEA: Incredibly expensive tea which has been specially prepared by feeding it to a specific breed of cow only found in the highlands of Tibet. The digestive action of the cows nine stomachs gently tenderises and mellows the flavour of the tea, resulting in a rich earthy flavour.
  • WitTEAA fruity tea made with pages of the original complete works of Oscar Wilde. It declares nothing but brilliance.
  • GoaTEA: A black tea, with added hair, that tends to get stuck all over your face when you attempt to drink it.
  • DepraviTEALeft to age in the drying sun, with chilli and pepper, this tea is made from the souls of tea pickers of old with a blend of oolong. This tea is best brewed at 75 degrees C, but was boiled as an effigy by the Occupy Wall Street protesters. Best enjoyed with milk.
  • DeformaTEA: An unusual tea, from a particularly pest ridden area. Strong pesticides are used to return a decent yield, resulting in a unique, but pleasing taste. A flavour that will be surely remembered for many generations to come.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Meaty Tea


INT. Kitchen - DAY

MICHAEL AND STEVE ARE LEANING AGAINST THE COUNTER IN THE KITCHEN  CLEANING THEIR COFFEE CUPS

Michael:
What? I must have been drinking something with milk in it, it’s all slimy inside
Steve:
Milkshake?
Michael:
All the boys are in the yard
Steve:
Is it better than mine?
Michael:
Damn right its better than yours
Steve:
Could you teach me?
Michael:
I would have to charge

MICHAEL AND STEVE CONTINUE TO CLEAN THEIR CUPS. STEVE REACHES FOR THE BOX OF TEA BAGS.

Michael:
Did you want to try one of my Argentinean teas?
Steve:
Your what now?
Michael:
I got some Argentinean tea at the markets on the weekend
Steve:
Oh
Michael:
You want to try it?
Steve:
Sure, I guess

MICHAEL REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND PULLS OUT A PLAIN LOOKING TEA BAG

Steve:
cheers

MICHAEL PULLS OUT A SECOND TEA BAG

Steve:
So what does it taste like?
Michael:
It’s a bit weird - smokey, kind of like a warn cup of jerky

MICHAEL TURNS OFF THE KETTLE EARLY AND POURS WATER INTO HIS AND STEVE'S CUP. THEY START DUNKING AND STEVE SNIFFS IS TEA AND LOOKS AT MICHAEL SUSPICIOUSLY.

Steve:
It is starting to smell a little meaty. How are you meant to have “Argentinean” tea?
Michael:
Medium rare

STEVE SHAKES HIS HEAD AND TUTS

Michael:
What? It’s a little meaty isn’t it?

STEVE GOES TO THE FRIDGE AND LOOKS INSIDE

Michael:
You’re not meant to have milk with it
Steve:
I’m not looking for milk; I’m looking for BBQ sauce

END

Thursday, November 3, 2011

October



Good morning viewers of the collective,

Of all the months in the year, October was one of them for the Chess Hammer. The life has returned to the site and new projects have kicked off as old ones come to a close. Check out the dribblings from contributors in Archives. You won't be disappointed, but mainly confused.

Three mediocre heroes made the Archive of Mediocre Superheroes and a big shout out goes to Sean, who has been slaving away and drawing the heroes. This month saw The Incredible Man, who is never believed; Catman, who can survive large falls; and Broken Thermostat Man, who has the ability to make a room uncomfortably warm.

In a dark corner of the blogosphere mumbling to himself is Rusty. This month he talked about Twitter, Steve Jobs (like everybody else), weird holidays and earthquakes over at Swinging like a rusty gate.

Don’t make eye contact with him.

Stay tuned folks, and have a cup of insaniTEA on us,

The Chess Hammer

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Rejected Tea Bar Flavours

  • finaliTEA: a black tea, with bright citrus flavours and flecks of cyanide tablets
  • dispariTEA: a hand rolled flowering tea, produced cheaply by exploiting 3rd world workers
  • insaniTEA: an intense herbal infusion, with the occasional hallucinogenic mushroom to liven up your afternoon.
  • extremiTEA: a light black tea, with some flesh included, from those workers that put their arms too far into the threshing machine
  • fataliTEA: A fine oolong tea that may cause ejection of the spine. Jonny Cages tea of choice!
  • conductiviTEA: A green tea, accented with metal fillings. Raidens favourite!
  • insecuriTEA: The finest of white teas, you'll never feel adequate in comparison.
  • uncertainTEA: We know exactly what kind of tea this is, unfortunately that means we have no idea where it is.
  • InstabiliTEA: A blend of Assam and ceylon teas, with a dash of neurotoxin for arroma.
  • RoyalTEA: We get 1% of the purchase price of this tea.
  • FrivoliTEA: We'll laugh at you for buying the worst tea we have

Update on the Chess Hammer Crew


Good afternoon viewers of the collective,

How nice you to join us, but we are not coming apart. In fact, here is an update on the going ons and officially announce the birth of a new project.

Today we welcome the newest addition to the Chess Hammer group, The Archive of Mediocre Superheroes.

This is a collection of superheroes that are just not that super, spawned from the depths of sleep deprivation and The Adventures of Broken Thermostat Man; a radio serial under development with production planned to start in December. Meet the heroes before they try to make the world a better place, one mediocre problem at a time. Then maybe, just maybe, society will appreciate their efforts.

The first project is now at the final mixing stage, proving once and for all that there is no such thing as “too niche” when you are on the internet, and hopefully should be coming out around Christmas. Just in time to be not considered for the Hollywood award season.

Rusty is still talking shit at Swinging like a rusty gate on this site here. It was better to leave him in his own corner mumbling to himself. He will now be updating this blog to publicise his activities, more so to check to see if he is breathing still.

To be up to date with all the latest happenings on The Chess Hammer click the button marked “Join this site” and be the first to know. It’s okay, we won’t tell anybody.

Keep punching those camels’ folks,

The Chess Hammer